Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
