He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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