the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
