hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
