Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
