I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
