Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
