If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i think i have two assholes
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
