I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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