I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
