..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I believe in your delicious
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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