I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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