what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
