morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
