I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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