he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
