The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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