I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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