Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
