If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
