I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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