I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
