Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
