I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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