Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
