So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
