tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
