she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
