you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
