My hand turned me down
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
