wrigley field is MILF paradise
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
