my mouth tastes like poor choices
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
3pm strippers are depressing
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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