I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
