But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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