are you still at the devil's house?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
