She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
