so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
