OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
