Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I know her cup size but not her name....
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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