That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
it's like heaven, but drunker
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
