mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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