Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
