Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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