Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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