i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
