Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
