I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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