GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
