went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
