she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
